Alone but Not Lonely?

 Throughout my whole life, I craved the attention of other people. In my pre-teen years, I spent most of my evenings crying to my mother that I didn't have friends. As I went into high school, I found myself in a tiny group of friends; however, I always yearned for the "popularity" well instead the visual abundance of what "friendship" appeared to be. Moving onto my twenties, the fear of missing out paired with my low-grade celebrity fueled by cocaine dreams and champagne wishes drove me to a rock bottom that I hope and pray that I never see again. Today, I sit in my apartment alone, not really I do have Barry the dog with me, pondering why I don't want to really be around people.

Today, during my chiropractic appointment, I spoke to the team about how I was happy with being alone, how I have cut people out of my life that I view as a roadblock in my personal growth, and how it been just me and my random adventures keeping sane during this time. Of course, I was met with the usual, "I wish I could do that" or the "That sounds liberating," but those comments seriously got my old friend, Imposter Syndrome, up and running. After leaving my appointment, I spent a big part of my day wondering if I was isolating.  

 I have found success in my own recovery by being a part of a recovery fellowship. In that fellowship, the conversation of isolation, rather the separation from the herd mentality being the bain of an individual that's in recovery. Of course, I agree with this, but at my core, it causes me to obsess that if I don't surround myself with a multitude of people, than I will return to the perils of my addiction. I'm not going to lie, I am an individual who cares what people think about me. From a young age, I have always known that I was visible, that people are always looking at you, so carry yourself in a way that brings respect to the family. Naturally, in my adult life, these "principles" that I grew on has manifested in a my internal monologue that everyone is thinking negatively of me. (Alexa, play Ego by Beyonce)

At this current moment, I am sitting in my apartment alone, and simply happy. I am happy to feel comfortable enough to sit with my thoughts, to feel my feelings, and to just be quiet. I have to remember that I am never lonely, and that I choose to be alone. It's been a long road to get to this point, but I am so happy that I've arrived at this destination.