30 days later

Eleven days ago, I found myself consumed with tons of negative energy. Self-loathing, self-seeking, self-hatred, all things that I felt the day that I had my last bender. I stand here right now, unclear of the future and really ok with that. I have made the decision to turn all of those feelings, that need for approval of man over to God. I took Eugene off the throne and replaced them with God. I can't describe it, but I feel freedom, clarity, and a deeper desire to keep searching for the truth in my inner self.

I am grateful to get to that point in my life. I have learned from my journey of recovery that you have to get to rock bottom in order to move upwards. That moment that I said "Enough" in both aspects of my life, I was gifted with a new sense of purpose. I see how I wronged myself, how self-will yet again, almost drove me into insanity. How did I do it? Prayer and meditation. God was in the midst of all of this. I see this chapter of my life now, I see that his plan was good. I had to start seeking Him again. "Eyes forward, not side to side, but forward". This was spoken on me time and time again. What I have learned that my emotions and thoughts can be a vehicle for the enemy to use to destroy me. It's not until I step away from myself and listen to the God in me to say, "No my child, you know that is not good for you".

God, you are so merciful. I started this blog to be apart of my healing journey. What I have learned that even though I wanted to get rid of the pain so bad, I needed to turn back to Jesus. Today I choose to live, I choose more, I choose the Trinity. Thank you, God!!!

I need a break

I am absolutely depleted. The emotional toll of this break up is draining, but now I have to process my Mother actually having cancer! I mean come on, how much can one person take. I am exhausted, hurt lonely, confused, and just lost. I feel so alone. I just hurt. I knew in recovery you were going to feel the ups and downs, but ouch. I just can't seem to catch a break.

I know, that I should put things in perspective. I could have it worst, but my Mama. Why does she have to go through this? She has gone through enough. Taking on so much, being the provider for many. I know I shouldn't future trip but, I am praying that her test come back clean. I am hurt by this breakup, I couldn't imagine losing my mother.  I just want to talk to him, I know that this is a bad thing. Nothing will come of it. No matter, what happens to me or my family he wouldn't give a rat's ass.

Foolish me, for thinking that I found the one. That I was special. I am just so so defeated. God, I am looking for your guidance, I am looking for just a moment of peace. I just need a break.

The Art of Reinvention

I want to start with God is so merciful! This week has been trying on so many levels. My mother always said to me, "When the devil is attacking you, there is something huge on the horizon". In the midst of my heartache, confusion, pain, anger, fear this keeps me looking forward.

This morning, I had this epiphany that I don't have to be strong. The question is, why do I have this desire to pretend that everything is "fine." F.I.N.E- F'ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional these are the character defects that I have been living in. These traits are not of God. This is not who he created to me to be. I digress, as I was getting myself together, I decided to put on praise and worship, I know that my soul is disturbed. As I was in the shower, I begged for God to get me through the day. My emotions dropped me to my knees and had me yelling out to God. Picture it, I am in the shower, curled in the fetal position, crying out to God. I can't deny it, I am hurting and I want this to go away.

God is so merciful! As I am laying in the hot shower, I feel a sense of calm pour into my soul and I began to move forward again. At that moment, I realized that this is more than an "ex" issue. This is a spiritual issue. My spirituality is way out of whack. I have kept my eyes, my heart on the approval of man that I began to lose my way again with God. 

Remember this Eugene- Jeremiah 29: 11- 13 "For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future of hope. Then you will call on Me and go and pray to ME, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for ME with all your heart." 

Continue to be bold, walk in love, believe with all your heart that God will see you through this.