30 days later

Eleven days ago, I found myself consumed with tons of negative energy. Self-loathing, self-seeking, self-hatred, all things that I felt the day that I had my last bender. I stand here right now, unclear of the future and really ok with that. I have made the decision to turn all of those feelings, that need for approval of man over to God. I took Eugene off the throne and replaced them with God. I can't describe it, but I feel freedom, clarity, and a deeper desire to keep searching for the truth in my inner self.

I am grateful to get to that point in my life. I have learned from my journey of recovery that you have to get to rock bottom in order to move upwards. That moment that I said "Enough" in both aspects of my life, I was gifted with a new sense of purpose. I see how I wronged myself, how self-will yet again, almost drove me into insanity. How did I do it? Prayer and meditation. God was in the midst of all of this. I see this chapter of my life now, I see that his plan was good. I had to start seeking Him again. "Eyes forward, not side to side, but forward". This was spoken on me time and time again. What I have learned that my emotions and thoughts can be a vehicle for the enemy to use to destroy me. It's not until I step away from myself and listen to the God in me to say, "No my child, you know that is not good for you".

God, you are so merciful. I started this blog to be apart of my healing journey. What I have learned that even though I wanted to get rid of the pain so bad, I needed to turn back to Jesus. Today I choose to live, I choose more, I choose the Trinity. Thank you, God!!!

I need a break

I am absolutely depleted. The emotional toll of this break up is draining, but now I have to process my Mother actually having cancer! I mean come on, how much can one person take. I am exhausted, hurt lonely, confused, and just lost. I feel so alone. I just hurt. I knew in recovery you were going to feel the ups and downs, but ouch. I just can't seem to catch a break.

I know, that I should put things in perspective. I could have it worst, but my Mama. Why does she have to go through this? She has gone through enough. Taking on so much, being the provider for many. I know I shouldn't future trip but, I am praying that her test come back clean. I am hurt by this breakup, I couldn't imagine losing my mother.  I just want to talk to him, I know that this is a bad thing. Nothing will come of it. No matter, what happens to me or my family he wouldn't give a rat's ass.

Foolish me, for thinking that I found the one. That I was special. I am just so so defeated. God, I am looking for your guidance, I am looking for just a moment of peace. I just need a break.

The Art of Reinvention

I want to start with God is so merciful! This week has been trying on so many levels. My mother always said to me, "When the devil is attacking you, there is something huge on the horizon". In the midst of my heartache, confusion, pain, anger, fear this keeps me looking forward.

This morning, I had this epiphany that I don't have to be strong. The question is, why do I have this desire to pretend that everything is "fine." F.I.N.E- F'ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional these are the character defects that I have been living in. These traits are not of God. This is not who he created to me to be. I digress, as I was getting myself together, I decided to put on praise and worship, I know that my soul is disturbed. As I was in the shower, I begged for God to get me through the day. My emotions dropped me to my knees and had me yelling out to God. Picture it, I am in the shower, curled in the fetal position, crying out to God. I can't deny it, I am hurting and I want this to go away.

God is so merciful! As I am laying in the hot shower, I feel a sense of calm pour into my soul and I began to move forward again. At that moment, I realized that this is more than an "ex" issue. This is a spiritual issue. My spirituality is way out of whack. I have kept my eyes, my heart on the approval of man that I began to lose my way again with God. 

Remember this Eugene- Jeremiah 29: 11- 13 "For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future of hope. Then you will call on Me and go and pray to ME, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for ME with all your heart." 

Continue to be bold, walk in love, believe with all your heart that God will see you through this.

Let the Healing begin

When I was in treatment for substance abuse in 2016, I started the healing process of battling with my identity by writing. After a recent breakup, I realize that, even though I am opening up to others about the pain I am in, I am not truly getting every aspect of my experience out without feeling interrupted from other opinions or worst my own thoughts. Now that I am waiting for my flight back to Grand Rapids, I am now going to challenge myself to heal.

It happened so soon, I went from feeling on top of the world, thinking that I am experiencing the normal discomforts of being in a relationship to jumping a couple of twenty-four hours of confusion, obsession, self-centeredness, self-hatred, self-pity, and resentment. This is my first love, my first love living as a clean and sober gay man. Transparent to my family, exploring my own faith walk with God/ Jesus Christ, and to have the feeling of losing this man that I feel that God has put in my path is a tough pill (no pun intended) to swallow. I've let myself, love, I've let myself be in a state of existence that I never knew was possible. I would do anything to get a "do over" but one thing I've learned by being sober is that you can't right the wrongs of your past without healing first.

I would consider myself a golden boy, I've escaped the grip of addiction relatively unscathed. I have been granted the second chance that most people dream of. Having lost this connection with this person is something that I never thought would happen. OR, maybe I knew it was possible. I have lived a life where I would push life to the limit, and I did this here. I played roulette and lost.

One thing I have learned while being clean and sober, that my addiction was more than the act of living. It was a place that I hid to escape my truth. Was I doing this in this relationship? Was I so wrapped up in myself that I started to focus on my own needs and not the person I cared about? Who knows, but I do know that I hope to continue to work through it.

One thing I know that is true, God has brought me thus far, and he will never leave me nor forsake me. Let the healing begin!