30 days later

Eleven days ago, I found myself consumed with tons of negative energy. Self-loathing, self-seeking, self-hatred, all things that I felt the day that I had my last bender. I stand here right now, unclear of the future and really ok with that. I have made the decision to turn all of those feelings, that need for approval of man over to God. I took Eugene off the throne and replaced them with God. I can't describe it, but I feel freedom, clarity, and a deeper desire to keep searching for the truth in my inner self.

I am grateful to get to that point in my life. I have learned from my journey of recovery that you have to get to rock bottom in order to move upwards. That moment that I said "Enough" in both aspects of my life, I was gifted with a new sense of purpose. I see how I wronged myself, how self-will yet again, almost drove me into insanity. How did I do it? Prayer and meditation. God was in the midst of all of this. I see this chapter of my life now, I see that his plan was good. I had to start seeking Him again. "Eyes forward, not side to side, but forward". This was spoken on me time and time again. What I have learned that my emotions and thoughts can be a vehicle for the enemy to use to destroy me. It's not until I step away from myself and listen to the God in me to say, "No my child, you know that is not good for you".

God, you are so merciful. I started this blog to be apart of my healing journey. What I have learned that even though I wanted to get rid of the pain so bad, I needed to turn back to Jesus. Today I choose to live, I choose more, I choose the Trinity. Thank you, God!!!