Alone but Not Lonely?

 Throughout my whole life, I craved the attention of other people. In my pre-teen years, I spent most of my evenings crying to my mother that I didn't have friends. As I went into high school, I found myself in a tiny group of friends; however, I always yearned for the "popularity" well instead the visual abundance of what "friendship" appeared to be. Moving onto my twenties, the fear of missing out paired with my low-grade celebrity fueled by cocaine dreams and champagne wishes drove me to a rock bottom that I hope and pray that I never see again. Today, I sit in my apartment alone, not really I do have Barry the dog with me, pondering why I don't want to really be around people.

Today, during my chiropractic appointment, I spoke to the team about how I was happy with being alone, how I have cut people out of my life that I view as a roadblock in my personal growth, and how it been just me and my random adventures keeping sane during this time. Of course, I was met with the usual, "I wish I could do that" or the "That sounds liberating," but those comments seriously got my old friend, Imposter Syndrome, up and running. After leaving my appointment, I spent a big part of my day wondering if I was isolating.  

 I have found success in my own recovery by being a part of a recovery fellowship. In that fellowship, the conversation of isolation, rather the separation from the herd mentality being the bain of an individual that's in recovery. Of course, I agree with this, but at my core, it causes me to obsess that if I don't surround myself with a multitude of people, than I will return to the perils of my addiction. I'm not going to lie, I am an individual who cares what people think about me. From a young age, I have always known that I was visible, that people are always looking at you, so carry yourself in a way that brings respect to the family. Naturally, in my adult life, these "principles" that I grew on has manifested in a my internal monologue that everyone is thinking negatively of me. (Alexa, play Ego by Beyonce)

At this current moment, I am sitting in my apartment alone, and simply happy. I am happy to feel comfortable enough to sit with my thoughts, to feel my feelings, and to just be quiet. I have to remember that I am never lonely, and that I choose to be alone. It's been a long road to get to this point, but I am so happy that I've arrived at this destination.  

TWO YEARS LATER

 It's been over two years since last wrote. Honestly, I was afraid to come back to this page because of my memories of how I felt during that time. I was expecting to see blinding anger, and hatred while re-reading my previous posts, however, I was happy to see hope and optimism. After a couple of months of having a full-on tennis match in my head, I've decided to write. Sitting down for a couple hours, I realize that my memory of my life is patchy. I don't know if it is because of old age, or possibly because of all the lines I did in my twenties. All I know is that I have a lot to share, and I am going to hold myself accountable to write, and maybe (just maybe) I'll remember my past. I might as well start where I left off

In my last post, I was in the midst of experiencing my first breakup living clean and trying to process my mother's breast cancer diagnosis. Now a spectator looking in, I can applaud myself for trying to figure ways to let out my frustrations, fears, and anger. As much as I once believed that those events were the worst possible things that could happen to me. I almost wished I had a time machine to go back and tell thirty-two-year-old Eugene that shit's about to get a whole hell of a lot different and that you will get the hell out of Grand Rapids. (Slow it down, and Praise Dance it out!)

Two years and some change later. the things I thought were devastating actually were the major catalysts to change. I love to just wallow in the misery and pain of life. Even if I know that things aren't supposed to be that way, I just stand with the hopes that something will change. These two life events were the first domino, today I see that if these things didn't happen, my spirit may not be as strong as it is today. Today, I learned that I am a family man, I will forever be a dancer, and that I am enough. 

 

30 days later

Eleven days ago, I found myself consumed with tons of negative energy. Self-loathing, self-seeking, self-hatred, all things that I felt the day that I had my last bender. I stand here right now, unclear of the future and really ok with that. I have made the decision to turn all of those feelings, that need for approval of man over to God. I took Eugene off the throne and replaced them with God. I can't describe it, but I feel freedom, clarity, and a deeper desire to keep searching for the truth in my inner self.

I am grateful to get to that point in my life. I have learned from my journey of recovery that you have to get to rock bottom in order to move upwards. That moment that I said "Enough" in both aspects of my life, I was gifted with a new sense of purpose. I see how I wronged myself, how self-will yet again, almost drove me into insanity. How did I do it? Prayer and meditation. God was in the midst of all of this. I see this chapter of my life now, I see that his plan was good. I had to start seeking Him again. "Eyes forward, not side to side, but forward". This was spoken on me time and time again. What I have learned that my emotions and thoughts can be a vehicle for the enemy to use to destroy me. It's not until I step away from myself and listen to the God in me to say, "No my child, you know that is not good for you".

God, you are so merciful. I started this blog to be apart of my healing journey. What I have learned that even though I wanted to get rid of the pain so bad, I needed to turn back to Jesus. Today I choose to live, I choose more, I choose the Trinity. Thank you, God!!!

I need a break

I am absolutely depleted. The emotional toll of this break up is draining, but now I have to process my Mother actually having cancer! I mean come on, how much can one person take. I am exhausted, hurt lonely, confused, and just lost. I feel so alone. I just hurt. I knew in recovery you were going to feel the ups and downs, but ouch. I just can't seem to catch a break.

I know, that I should put things in perspective. I could have it worst, but my Mama. Why does she have to go through this? She has gone through enough. Taking on so much, being the provider for many. I know I shouldn't future trip but, I am praying that her test come back clean. I am hurt by this breakup, I couldn't imagine losing my mother.  I just want to talk to him, I know that this is a bad thing. Nothing will come of it. No matter, what happens to me or my family he wouldn't give a rat's ass.

Foolish me, for thinking that I found the one. That I was special. I am just so so defeated. God, I am looking for your guidance, I am looking for just a moment of peace. I just need a break.

The Art of Reinvention

I want to start with God is so merciful! This week has been trying on so many levels. My mother always said to me, "When the devil is attacking you, there is something huge on the horizon". In the midst of my heartache, confusion, pain, anger, fear this keeps me looking forward.

This morning, I had this epiphany that I don't have to be strong. The question is, why do I have this desire to pretend that everything is "fine." F.I.N.E- F'ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional these are the character defects that I have been living in. These traits are not of God. This is not who he created to me to be. I digress, as I was getting myself together, I decided to put on praise and worship, I know that my soul is disturbed. As I was in the shower, I begged for God to get me through the day. My emotions dropped me to my knees and had me yelling out to God. Picture it, I am in the shower, curled in the fetal position, crying out to God. I can't deny it, I am hurting and I want this to go away.

God is so merciful! As I am laying in the hot shower, I feel a sense of calm pour into my soul and I began to move forward again. At that moment, I realized that this is more than an "ex" issue. This is a spiritual issue. My spirituality is way out of whack. I have kept my eyes, my heart on the approval of man that I began to lose my way again with God. 

Remember this Eugene- Jeremiah 29: 11- 13 "For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future of hope. Then you will call on Me and go and pray to ME, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for ME with all your heart." 

Continue to be bold, walk in love, believe with all your heart that God will see you through this.

Let the Healing begin

When I was in treatment for substance abuse in 2016, I started the healing process of battling with my identity by writing. After a recent breakup, I realize that, even though I am opening up to others about the pain I am in, I am not truly getting every aspect of my experience out without feeling interrupted from other opinions or worst my own thoughts. Now that I am waiting for my flight back to Grand Rapids, I am now going to challenge myself to heal.

It happened so soon, I went from feeling on top of the world, thinking that I am experiencing the normal discomforts of being in a relationship to jumping a couple of twenty-four hours of confusion, obsession, self-centeredness, self-hatred, self-pity, and resentment. This is my first love, my first love living as a clean and sober gay man. Transparent to my family, exploring my own faith walk with God/ Jesus Christ, and to have the feeling of losing this man that I feel that God has put in my path is a tough pill (no pun intended) to swallow. I've let myself, love, I've let myself be in a state of existence that I never knew was possible. I would do anything to get a "do over" but one thing I've learned by being sober is that you can't right the wrongs of your past without healing first.

I would consider myself a golden boy, I've escaped the grip of addiction relatively unscathed. I have been granted the second chance that most people dream of. Having lost this connection with this person is something that I never thought would happen. OR, maybe I knew it was possible. I have lived a life where I would push life to the limit, and I did this here. I played roulette and lost.

One thing I have learned while being clean and sober, that my addiction was more than the act of living. It was a place that I hid to escape my truth. Was I doing this in this relationship? Was I so wrapped up in myself that I started to focus on my own needs and not the person I cared about? Who knows, but I do know that I hope to continue to work through it.

One thing I know that is true, God has brought me thus far, and he will never leave me nor forsake me. Let the healing begin!